Untitled Book for Brooks

Meine schwester.
As I begin to write this book, I realize two things. I’ve been drinking, and such hobbies have garnished a reprehensible reputation. Alcoholism is at best, a time-tested joke guaranteed to garnish a few laughs and at worst, a debilitating disease that tears whole empires apart. At your age, and given our upbringing, it’s easy to see the downside to drinking. We’ve grown accustomed to it. You even enjoy making fun of me when I’m hungover, drinking a half-gallon of milk in the morning following a particularly eventful evening of inebriation. All this being said, I want you to always acknowledge the good things about drinking. One of the best, being honesty. Some would see it as sad that I begin this narrative guidebook slighly intoxicated, but I want you to know that it was important to me to begin this book with unabashed honesty. NOTHING produces that mindset quite like the drink. There are many ways to see any situation. That’s probably the biggest lesson I can teach you. The first rection is not always the correct one. Take Hitler for example. He rode his first reaction all the way to the end and I’m sure I don’t have to explain what went down because you take after myself. You’re smart. At any rate, you know I love you (like a sister) and I’ve always been there for you, which is why I decided to pen this book. Life is tough and nobody knows that better than the black sheep. I always tell you to listen to your parents because they’ve been there before, but let’s face facts. That was a long time ago and “there” isn’t the same as it was before. You have the privilege of an older brother who isn’t really that much older to help you along the way and it’s out of pure love and vanity that I decided to try and give you something tangible to help you throughout your life. Think of this as the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, only the galaxy is this terrible world we’ve been thrust into with little to no hope of it getting any better any time in the foreseeable future. Although, who knows if it doesn’t end up being an exact guide to the cosmos, with as young as you are and the current state of space travel. ( not good )

You gotta catch up….

“God bless you!!!” I just said that to my buddy, Adam while he walked up to the apartment to get my DVD copy of ” My best friend’s girl.” This being the third movie we’ve decided to watch since we started to get drunk, he found it pretty fast. I should probably change up my DVD collection, so people can’t find their way around it so quickly. At any rate, Adam keeps babbling and all I want to do is marvel at Diora Baird’s immaculate breasts on the flat-screen. My idea of hell is an eternity of choosing between her and Keeley Hazell, but not actually getting either one…. Breasts are my kryptonite. ” Pop that pussaaaaay, Heeey, hug me, hug me, hug me!” Now, after a quick trip to wal-mart where I spent nearly every last dollar I have, we return with a DVD copy of “The Boondock Saints 2,” and Brutal Legend for my PS3. I’ll rejoin after the movie… OKay, I lied. We took a break (intermission) to have some turkey sandwiches. So far,… great movie. Enough of the first movie without being a shameless copy or any other overt money-making scheme. I am about 10 sheets to the wind and let me tell you something. The wind is a little bitch. We had a bout the weirdest time at wallyworld trying to lull the unwashed, fat, twilight extra-reject working the electronics section out of her half-ambien stupor long enough to figure out which key unlocked the game cabinet so I could get my 20 dollar game and be on my merry way.
Important update: I am awesome at drunk blogging!

Fingertips have memories, and so do muscles

There are many things I’m doing to make up for the fact that I won’t be getting UFC 108.  There is nothing I hate more than having to watch the highlights after the fight has aired. Two things I’m doing are, training and watching a lot of MMA action on my puny cable television package. I’ve spent a few days watching everything I could find, and during a fight between Chris Leben and Terry Martin on UFC Fight Night, I saw something I had to talk about.

Now, I’m not a veteran fighter, by far. However, there is a technique that I think every fighter should, at least, check into. This is something I first encountered during my time in the Marine Corps. In the Corps, we are trained in the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program or, McMAP, as we call it. Picture Muay Thai, BJJ, and Judo all mixed into one. Ken Shamrock worked directly with the Commandant of the Marine Corps at the time, to reinvent the line training of the past. Marine Corps Martial Arts was born. Enough of that, here’s what I’m here to talk about.

Training in this discipline is hand-to-hand without gloves. It’s not in a gym, but outside on the ground. If you hold back with your partner, they will switch you out with someone who’s not afraid to break your face. One of the slightly controversial, but highly effective techniques I learned while earning my little tan belt, was the muscle memory technique…

Now, this technique takes a little fire for being slightly dangerous, but ask Chris Leben how much it helped him through the years. This works really well with guys like myself, who like to throw bombs until the referee pulls him away and tells him to calm down. Anyone can get rocked in a fight, even the biggest fighters. Good training is the only thing to get you out of this. Some trainers make you perform certain combinations until you puke. They do it in the military, as well. It doesn’t always seem like it, but there’s a reason for this. You’ll always remember it. As I’m watching the beginning of this fight, I see a much healthier, calmer Chris Leben. For once, he didn’t look like the pitbull, but the greyhound. I have to say, for most of the fight, it didn’t seem to be working for him. Sometime in the third round, it looked very bad for Chris Leben. He was in better condition, but being peppered constantly by heavy punches. Then it finally happens, he gets hit by a hard shot and he’s rocked. I think the fight’s over, and I was right. Out of nowhere, Leben finally throws the bunches of punches he’s known for. He is seriously rocked, but starts walking forward throwing punches everywhere. A split-second later, Terry Martin is on the mat, holding his face, and wondering what the hell happened. I’ll tell you what happened. An M1-A1 tank named Chris Leben left him on the deck with nothing but glove prints on his face and what was left of his confidence checking out of the Terry Martin Hotel before anyone knew it was staying there.

            When asked, after the fight, to illustrate the end of the match, Leben called every shot up to the point where he was caught hard and flipped out. He said he had no idea what happened and you know what? I believe him. If you asked him, he’d tell you he’s practiced gassed and rocked a thousand times and you’d better believe him, too. That’s the only way you can accomplish that kind of impressive turnaround against someone so much larger than you are. So if you’ve ever heard Chris Leben talk about the “Magic Button” on his head and wondered what he’s talking about, ask Terry Martin. Can’t find Terry Martin? Ask a Marine about muscle memory. As long as you’re careful, you might even want to give it a try. Just practice a technique until you don’t even realize you’re still doing it, then keep doing it. It’s painful and boring, but you’d be surprised at the difference it can make when you need a little extra in a pinch.

Kimbo’s biggest fan

Everybody loves the Light Heavyweight division… It’s no secret. But why? Anyone who knows anything will tell you the answer. It’s because the talent pool is so much deeper, there are more fighters, more contention for the title, it’s easy. Now, think about how much of that excitement is pure hype. I’ve seen some of the greatest battles in the history of this sport at featherweight, those guys fight their hearts out. If nobody creates any energy in other weight classes, we might stand to lose world-class talent like Miguel Torres and all the excitement he brings with him. Now, here’s the point.

The heavyweight division was noticeably bogged down when some of the bigger names started to seem like they couldn’t keep up any momentum. Everything started to get a little watered-down, which is guaranteed to break a sport. Dana White is a very savvy man, he knew what to do. He brought Brock Lesnar in to raise the bar for other contenders. I think it was as smart an idea as anyone could come up with, but I have a problem and want to ask you guys what you think.

I get all jazzed up when I see commercials for UFC 101 until I see a little clip of Dana talking about how he will not let Kimbo Slice into the UFC unless he goes through TUF. I see his reasoning behind this. We all know how Kimbo came to fame, and if you don’t, get on youtube, look up Kimbo Slice’s bareknuckle boxing videos, but first, clear at least an hour from your schedule. You cannot watch only one video… I’ll admit it’s not the most notable avenues into the world of Mixed Martial Arts, but the proof, as they say, is in the pudding. I know it’s  not the prestigious world of Professional Wrestling, but nobody hits harder than Kimbo.

I’ve heard a lot of speculation as to why Brock Lesnar is such a good fighter. Well, of course he trains hard, eats right, respects the sport. (Just look at the post-fight press conference from UFC 100) He’s certified as a giant! I must be the only one on Earth that thinks the whole Lesnar situation is entirely unfair. And now, a fighter that can actually wipe the floor with Brock, and HE has to pay his dues? I ask you WEF Fans, is that as jacked up as I think it is? Even though I have no idea Kimbo can win TUF, I still hear people saying he doesn’t deserve to fight Brock. Here’s my question. What does everybody have against Kimbo Slice? Is it his demeanor? I heard some other pro footballers talking to reporters about the upcoming season, and it’s not even like they were talking smack about an upcoming opponent, they were just talking about the new season. I thought something went wrong with the audio feed and they popped in a Young Jeezy cd. So I ask again, why all the hate for Kimbo? As always, feel free to drop comments, so you can tell us what you think.

Oh, Urijah

I’ll admit I’ve been neglecting the WEC for a while now, but it’s only because I’ve been waiting for something to happen that’s, in my opinion, worthwhile. I’ve got to say, If I’d heard another word about Miguel Torres, this would be more of a suicide note than an article. He’s the best pound-for-pound in the WEC, but don’t you think the other fighters deserve a little exposure as well? Like a magnetic man wandering too close to a knife shop, this brings me to my point.

I recall another fighter being called the best PFP fighter in the WEC. His name is Urijah Faber. We all know this business is all about momentum, so when he lost his title and failed to bring it back home with his rematch, it was as if he dropped off the face of the earth. What does an impressive fighter have to do to get back in there after a slight loss of momentum? If history has taught us anything, he has to win a whole lot more fights in a row, which has proven nearly impossible for many, many fighters. 

When Urijah lost his title, he had to prove himself in a few more fights to get a second shot. Many speculate that Torres will most likely get an immediate rematch, which brings mixed emotions from a lot of fans. Is it fair? Is it a product of Faber’s slight drop from the spotlight after his latest loss? It’s true that the fighter who steps in front of the camera and takes the photo shoot and all the interviews is going to be a star, but let’s not forget that all that exposure is always taking away from training time. Every minute you’re talking to a camera, that’s another minute someone else is training to take your spot. In this case, that someone is one of the most dangerous players in the game, and he may be nursing an injury, but I, for one, wouldn’t count him out just yet. This Cali kid has a drive and tenacity like no other, but does that matter nowadays? Are Urijah Faber’s days numbered? Will we see another rematch sans broken hands? Or maybe a jump to UFC, Strikeforce, or Affliction? Any one of those options would be awesome, but are they options yet?

One of my better thoughts from yesteryear…

What is the one thing that’s holding Mixed Martial Arts back in terms of being the sports powerhouse that we all know it can be? Indecision. When you look into the future, don’t your eyes glaze over with the mere thought of a title fight between, say, Emelianenko and Mir like mine do? Whether you like him or not, don’t you get tired of seeing the high-profile fighter of the day waste precious time waiting to choose his next business move? (Talking to you, Tito) These are all great questions, but they all stem from a lack of cohesion between the decision-makers of OUR beloved pastime. I guess the atom bomb of a question you’re waiting to hear me ask is this one… Who is gonna step up and become the NFL of Mixed Martial Arts!!!?

Think about this, why is martial arts as a whole not as big a franchise as many other mainstream sports? It lacks a bigtime…. What I mean by that is that there is no NFL for fighters. Tito doesn’t like Dana White, so he’s not going to fight for UFC anymore. Fedor fights Sambo, so he’s stuck away from many of the biggest names in his weight class. Our sport has gotten huge in these recent years, but we’re already seeing instability due to lack of cooperation and communication between “leagues.” I’m sorry, I’ve played baseball, basketball, football, hockey, and Rugby in my days as a young guy who thinks he’s unbreakable, but I’ll defend MMA all day as my sport of choice.

However, there’s a problem that it shares with Rugby that, in my opinion, really holds the both of them back. It’s not coverage or a shortage of dynamite athletes, it’s the lack of an upper-echelon level of competition where fighters can transcend contracts and style-based boundaries and really find roots so that their talent can soundly be judged. Rugby is a sport played on a professional level in almost every country, so it has an excuse, but don’t you think we need to nip this before we get to that level? Do you think Brock Lesnar can truly be happy with his cross-over success as long as he hears constant rumors of Fedor’s prowess, who is, contractually unable to fight him?             

These rumors have a way of festering until great fighters are condemned to the island of misfit contracts, where they’ll be scarcely remembered, except for bill-collectors with kids to feed. All this hype around a bout that can’t happen can end with both fighters being left and forgotten. Do you know why men like Joe Montana, and Johnny Unitas, and Bubba Smith are still sports icons? It’s because they fought their way to the NFL and used their talent to stay there where they were always showcased and in the spotlight. They retired fat and rich, but more importantly, remembered for their contributions to the sport. Do you remember when Joe Namath had to quit to the Canadian Football League because he threw hail-marys when the NFL said you could only use fly-patterns and button-hooks? Or when Jerry Rice really wanted to play against Troy Aikman, but his contract wouldn’t allow it and he quit to coach high school track in Boca? Me neither. That’s because the NFL has a united set of rules and any player, if he plays hard enough and wants it really bad, can end up going to the big show. If he makes it, he isn’t forgotten after a few months of inactivity because he’s waiting to play a team that might be better. All the best teams are already there and why? Because it’s the big show and you don’t get there unless you’re the best. That is what we need for MMA.

Screwing with the stars, or, Uncle Hector

 I’m gonna transcribe a conversation I had with Hector Echavarria recently on facebook. I was pretty drunk and disappointed with the quality of his movies, so I decided to write him. I had no idea he would respond and this is as real as it can get. I’m as surprised as you are. I’ll put a link to the facebook page if I can.

 

Trevor Neil Asher December 14 at 1:20am

Please, Mr. Echavarria, please stop making movies. I’ve been tricked into paying good money for Never Surrender and Death Warrior now. They are the same, terrible movie and you are an incredible fighter. Please stop, sir.

Hector Echavarria December 14 at 11:41am

Dear Trevor:
Please see UNRIVALED and Duel of Legends caning up next year.
You will think differently
Thanks.
Hector

Trevor Neil Asher December 15 at 2:10am

Again, sir, please don’t think I fail to recognize and appreciate the incredible impact you’ve made on the Martial Arts world. I have massive respect for you and have since childhood. I will be happy to give your films one more chance. Are either of them set to play in theaters? I just don’t see myself buying a copy unless I know it will be worth the money. Maybe I’ll give redbox a try. I hear it costs only one dollar, assuming you return it on time. Also, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond with such haste. It is refreshing to correspond with a star who genuinely cares that his fans expect a certain quality for their money. I’ll be sure to tune in for the next, better movie.
P.S- You can keep the lovemaking scenes. Beautiful actresses

Hector Echavarria December 15 at 11:31am

Thanks my Friend.
All the best to you and your loved ones.
And keep on kicking.
Guarantee you will love Unrivaled & Duel of Legends.

http://www.facebook.com/#/inbox/?folder=[fb]messages&page=1&tid=1316035340182

MMA 3:15, 101

Okay, sportsfans, Check it out. If you’re just seeing this, you’ve probably come from one of the outlets that me and the boys from MMA 3:15 use to keep in touch with all you crazies. If you’re coming from our website, it’s not up yet, so you’re from the future and I salute you for that. Now, if you’re here from facebook, you’re here from facebook. Congrats. If you’re here from myspace, I’d call you dumb, but that’s just about the only place to hear our show right now. But that’s okay! Here you are! Well, now that you’re here,… how was your day? Everything alright? That bitch at work still spreading lies about you? She’s just jealous. I want to tell you a little about us and what we do. Myself, Mike Kelly, his brother Elliott, and Bruchie work on a little internet radio show called MMA3:15. If you haven’t listened yet, you’ll find that we’re real guys, just fortunate enough to have the necessary resources to produce our own brand of radio show. We just have fun and like you to think of us as your friends getting together, having some drinks, and talking about our favorite sport, Mixed Martial Arts. If you find yourself talking with us as you listen or watch the show, it’s okay. You’re not weird, it just kinda happens that way. I find myself doing it a little bit. That’s the point. If you live in a small area where MMA isn’t big yet, we’re just a couple clicks away. Think of it as an endless roundtable where you can chat with us about all the goings-on in the MMA world, only we won’t actually be joining the conversation, as we’re probably passed-out or working or something at the time. So, listen and enjoy the shows. We’re proud to know you, check out MMAMELEE.COM as well, and, as the east-coast voice of the MMA nation, we thank you and we’re here to stay. This is Trevor, the world’s biggest asshole and the Ragin’ Cajun, saying, it works if you work it, so work it, you’re worth it!

If you’re a “Twihard,” do not read this…

Don’t say you weren’t warned. I know that tagline isn’t the smartest, economically, right now, but I really don’t care. WordPress is free, and I’m not making money anyway. So, as I light yet another cigarette, I ponder all the fads that have come and gone in my day, from Zooba’s to skinny jeans, and what I surmise is this… We are a diverse nation. As diverse as we are, there is absolutely no product, whether tangible or intellectual, that will be universally accepted by our immense populus. This having been mentioned, I’m fairly certain that “afforementioned” is the only big word I have left in my vocabulary. So I’ll cut to the chase. There’s nothing wrong with liking any of the movies in the Twilight saga, but there is no way that the sales from this movie should completely eclipse every other movie released during that time-frame. Stop chasing fads, people. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be interested in anything and become some ultra-chic hipster who’s too cool for anything, I’d just hate to see the day when everyone realizes how stupid skinny jeans are and start to hate themselves. That day IS coming, however.